Sadly, as family law solicitors we often hear of parents who feel that they are being deliberately alienated from their children following separation or divorce. Circumstances can arise where children say they no longer want to spend time with a parent or no longer trust them. The effects can feel devastating.
Each case must be viewed on its own facts, and allegations of harm must be treated seriously. However, there are times when the wishes and feelings of a child (what they say they want) do not match the situation on the ground and something more sinister is at play.
What is parental alienation?
Unhelpfully, there is no legal definition of parental alienation however broadly this refers to a collection of one parent’s behaviours aimed at causing a child to become alienated from a parent for a number of reasons and that child rejecting the parent as a result of those behaviours. Put simply, one parent coaching a child to hate the other.
Some examples are easy to spot, such as when we were presented with a letter allegedly written by a six year old child articulately explaining why they didn’t want to see their dad.
Others are trickier to manage. As children get older, they become more competent and articulate in their views which will be given greater weight by Cafcass and the Family Court. That is why it is so important to identify these issues early on and focus the professionals to understanding why a child feels this way.
Some examples of alienating behaviour can include:
- Negative comments about the other parent to or in front of the child;
- Making the child choose sides;
- Blaming the other parent for things that have happened in their lives;
- Being unable to separate their needs from their child’s;
- Controlling communication between the child and the other parent.
What can I do if I suspect parental alienation?
If you suspect your child is being negatively influenced, an application can be made to the family court for a child arrangements order. Within that process the court has powers to order Cafcass assessments (court appointed social workers who advise the court) and expert reporting from child psychologists to get to the bottom of it. However, as the process delays and a child gets older, there is a greater risk of harm in forcing a child to spend time with a parent they expressly do not want to see. Therefore, timing is everything.
It is important to remember that just because a child shows signs of not wanting to spend time with a parent, it does not automatically mean they are deliberately being alienated. Children pick up on parental conflict and their behaviour can be caused by both parties holding hostile views against the other.
It is also the case that once the dust has settled on the separation and the children are older, relationships are restored as they see the bigger picture. For most concerned parents, they do not want to risk a prolonged period of estrangement so expert advice needs to be obtained at the outset.
If you are going through a separation or concerned that your child may be developing some of these behaviours, please contact the Family Team on 0345 646 0406 or email adunkley@nockolds.co.uk.